Redefining the Empty Nest by Fran Joyce
When did the empty nest become a thing? Before the 20th century, it was common practice for multiple generations to live together. In many cultures, extended families are still the norm.
The British and American Industrial revolutions provided employment booms which helped workers afford their own homes.
Developers began building more studio and one-bedroom apartments in the city as public transportation and the rise of automobile ownership allowed workers to leave the farm and later the city for single-family homes in the suburbs.
Culturally, our mindset changed, and we wanted independence because we could afford it. Living under our parents’ roof or moving them in with us was no longer a necessity.
During the 1970s, family size began to shrink, and society became more mobile. More kids were going away to college and moving after graduation to pursue career opportunities.
Researchers who coined the term “empty nest syndrome” during the 70s were primarily referring to women. Traditionally, many women had limited work experience before marrying and becoming mothers and they became full-time moms after the birth of their children. According to researchers, these women had devoted their lives to raising their children and had no identity outside of motherhood – or so they believed.
I contend society allowed them no identity beyond being mothers. These women were capable and intelligent. They managed a household and volunteered in their communities. They read books and watched movies. Many took part-time jobs as their children got older. They dreamed of so much more but had to accept so much less because of their gender.
Researchers believed parents (mostly mothers) fell into existential despair when their children left home because women were “wired to be caregivers and nurturers instead of independent beings.”
In 2016, a new set of research debunked this theory. The first set of research focused primarily on middle class housewives who were probably suffering from depression from other factors in their lives. They also failed to consider that men who were traditionally conditioned by society to “not talk about their feelings” would never admit being sad after their children moved out.
In fact, it’s common and healthy to experience many emotions when your children leave home. You may regret the many hours spent away from your children while you were building your career. You may worry your children won’t have time for you as they build their own families and careers. A close-knit family is a wonderful thing, and it’s perfectly normal to miss living with the people you love the most in this world.
It’s also common to rethink your relationship with your spouse after spending twenty-plus years as parents sacrificing time as a romantic couple to attend school functions or make time to spend as a family.
As parents, we are supposed to devote most of our time to teaching our children how to be kind, responsible, independent humans who can function on their own. We worry along the way and have hushed conversations in bed about how to make that happen. Sometimes death or divorce makes us single parents trying to provide the stability of a two-parent team.
The sudden death of a parent or a child can trigger early feelings of the empty nest. Why didn’t I get more time with this incredible human being? How do I fill this gaping hole in my family? How do I make sure everyone is okay?
These are questions none of us want to answer, but yet we do.
Empty nesters are treated differently. Advertisers move you to a different category. Suddenly you’re receiving the same mail as your parents. You may still run marathons and be able to dance the night away, but you are moved to a certain demographic. You are an empty nester. Is retirement far away? Downsizing? Have you begun looking in the mirror for gray hairs and wrinkles? Is becoming an empty nesters one of the benchmarks of aging?
Being an empty nesters can be wonderful. You can travel, pursue job opportunities or hobbies you’ve been putting off. Turn the heat up on the romance. Buy a more expensive pair of shoes instead of scrimping. Enjoy it because an empty nest doesn’t always stay empty.
The spiraling costs of education and housing have created a new set of empty nesters - parents with grown children returning home. Once our children leave home, they do not return home as children unless we let them by treating them like children. Once children step away from their parent’s home, they receive a crash course on independence and the responsibilities that come with it. It can be easy to fall back into our former roles as caregivers and dependents, but it’s not healthy. Done correctly multi-generational homes can be loving and beneficial for everyone concerned.
According to the 2008 U.S. Census, 20 million 18–34-year-olds (34%) were still living with their parents. One decade later that number was down to 23%. Because of the pandemic and subsequent price gouging, nearly one-third (32%) of Millennials and Gen Zers moved back home to live with their parents. Two thirds of those adult children are still there. These figures vary substantially between states. The current cost of living, spiraling home prices, and debts occurred during the pandemic are the leading factors keeping them from moving out.
The good news is that parents and their adult children seem more able to establish workable ground rules for living together. The old “my house, my rules” no longer applies. Communication about expectations for division of labor, sharing of expenses, and privacy are important. Yes, you are still family, but you must coexist as housemates.
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